To enjoy your summer, or not to enjoy your summer? That is the question women’s magazines can’t answer
It’s summertime. It’s hot. Your fringe is sticking to your forehead. You are dragging your fat arse to the office each morning, counting down the days until your holiday. You feel like you’re sweating Niagara Falls every day. As your boss has already scarpered to the Ile de Ré with her sprogs, her Labrador and her pink-polo-shirted husband, you are free to indulge in some well-deserved virtual timewasting…
But of course, no summer would be complete without bucketfuls of bullshit advice from women’s magazines and websites. All you wanted was to buy a new swimsuit, and yet you find yourself bombarded with summer detox recipes to make sure you are the most beautiful girl in the room come September, and pre-holiday diet tips promising you a body to die for. You greet it all with irony and cynicism, then you have a good old moan, and finally, you revolt. You feel like showering them with insults and screaming at them that NO, the point of a holiday is not to keep yourself sexy to piss off your colleagues in September. You actually have other goals in life. But YES, you do want to enjoy your holiday, and that does not involve agonising over the three measly tomatoes rattling around on your plate.
So, instead of trolling their illuminating articles on summer-style stuffed turkey, you have decided to come up with your very own top 10 tips for making summer simply faaaaaaaaaaabulous, dahhhhhhhhhling. And since you’re a rebel, your top ten will actually comprise only 8 tips, because deep down, you don’t really like telling other people how they should be spending their holidays.
1. Drink beer
Forget Spritz and champagne cocktails. They’re for lightweights. Besides, you’ll be thirsty again in half an hour. The most thirst-quenching drink in the world is beer. A nice glass of hop juice – or even a shandy if you’re not too keen on that weird fermented taste in your mouth – does wonders for a human in the heat. And it offers the added bonus of making you piss out all your sweat, so you end up sweating less. It’s been scientifically proven, you know. On a sample of 2456 German hooligans.
2. Eat fatty food
Bye, quinoa; hello, Magnums. Seriously, eat whatever you want. A nice healthy salad packed with bacon and gizzards, or tomato, mozzarella and chips – who cares, as long as you enjoy it? You haven’t worked all year long only to deprive yourself of the pleasure of stuffing your face with cheese, sausage and olives during your holidays. In any case, since you’ll be sweating so much from the heat and from chasing after your kids trying to stop them eating sand, you’ll burn off the calories in five seconds flat. Health permitting, eat everything you see that takes your fancy. Even a melon or a cucumber here and there, if you insist. And if you’ve got a 3 mm spare tyre, quit whining: there are people all over the world who are starving to death and would be delighted to have one of their own. Just accept it. It’s quicker.
A lot. It’s good for the spirits. The great thing about a heatwave is that, with just a bed and a fan, you can recreate scenes from 1970s erotic cinema every night. All you need to complete the effect is a giant wicker chair. If you’ve got a man, have some fun with him. If you haven’t got a man, have some fun with other men. Just don’t forget the condoms, unless you want to go back to the office with an STD. Guys, that goes for you too. Make love to your woman, not anyone else’s. Only sleep with other women if you haven’t got a girlfriend. We would appreciate it, really. And it will keep the atmosphere nice and happy. By the way, you know you’re actually allowed to buy condoms too? I think you know what I’m talking about.
4. Read (and not just Marc Levy)
Switch off the TV and YouTube, and pick up a book. There’s no need to recharge the battery. It’s magic. Read Marc Levy or Musso if you must. No problem. Knock yourself out. But please, promise me you’ll read a good book straight afterwards, just for me. A good book is a book that makes you think differently, a book that makes you discover things, a book that makes you laugh or cry, or simply makes you better. Hugo, Camus, Rimbaud… you can’t go wrong with the classics, as long as you pick something that has lasted through the ages for good reason. You’ll see that they’re not so hard to read. I swear. On the contemporary front, the choice is yours, but please avoid sadomasochistic romances… there are plenty of people out there who have dug deep into their minds and souls to offer you a vision of the world. And, you know, sometimes it can even be funny. I’m on my knees and I’m begging you.
5. Catch up on your series
If you haven’t watched Empire or Bloodline in 2015, your year has been a failure. And if you didn’t see The Leftovers last summer, catch up NOW. You’ll cry like a baby. A lot. But I promise it’s worth it. If you’ve got a bit of a mystical side, you might even have a revelation. And season 2 is coming soon.
6. Play it loud
It’s time to get some music in your life. Shake your booty to Jason Derulo. Immerse yourself in the melancholic musings of Jeanne Added. Marvel at Fakear’s vibe and Nekfeu’s flow. Get intense to the strains of Feu! Chatterton and nod your head along to the new album by rap duo BigFlo et Oli. Get your kids to listen to Oxmo Puccino and Ibrahim Maalouf’s Au pays d’Alice and they will grow up less stupid and more poetic.
7. Surround yourself with people you love
This summer, make time only for your family and friends – the people who you love and who are good for you. You have to put up with enough arseholes all year round; why force yourself to tolerate them in the sunshine too? That is what is really important, not getting the perfect beach body. It is the people you love that will make you feel relaxed and happy. After all, having a supermodel’s figure doesn’t make you a good person, does it? It doesn’t mean you are loved. Yes, Bimbo-who-tells-women-they-have-to-be-slim-to-be-happy: I’m looking at you.
8. LOVE IT
That’s an order.